Why do you call me jealous?
Why do you say that I am insecure?
Why do I always have to be understanding?
Jealous is a negative feeling,which i don't have.
Insecure is an emotions that I have long forgotten.
Understanding is what is got me here.
Why am I always thinking?
Why am I never too street smart?
Why do i count on you?
Thinking is what gets me my words.
Smartness is something that I never could learn.
I count you cause you told me to.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
This is a very important part of my life.I mean the title of this post.
From a very young age it seems that the me never agreed to get closer to friends.It was in built.I had many friends over the years but I left them behind.Not for a bad reason.However someone getting too close to me did disturb me.It was more like "out of sight,but never out of mind". So tracking back from past to present,I don't have what you call a 3 am friend or someone who i can call and say let's go out for coffee right now.It is just that i moved away from them.But the thing is that I have almost 1000 friends on Facebook!Even if I want to call, I would think "hmm what will he/she think if I call them at this hour or now?" or what is worse is that I am extremely sensitive and if that friend does something to offend me with or without her/his knowledge I will feel so sad that I will stop my interaction with them or stay a bit far.
I will feel bad and wonder what went wrong and then feel upset and scold myself for not being close.But that is not in my nature.I wonder if there are people like that in the world.
I want my friends to respond to what i say and think and not just be there in happy times.Thank God we can choose friends.However,how does on choose the right ones? if I have to break it down in my head this is how I would think
"Hmm X has not called me for the ast 6 months and even if I did X did not pick up the phone".
"Does X do the same think to others?"."How can that be possible? Why is X ot telling me anything?".
"Should I call and blast X? but,wait what will x think.Is it OK for me to do so?" and then I brood and brood oer and then think X has moved on with new people.
yes,I am freaking mad and extremely insane at this age...
From a very young age it seems that the me never agreed to get closer to friends.It was in built.I had many friends over the years but I left them behind.Not for a bad reason.However someone getting too close to me did disturb me.It was more like "out of sight,but never out of mind". So tracking back from past to present,I don't have what you call a 3 am friend or someone who i can call and say let's go out for coffee right now.It is just that i moved away from them.But the thing is that I have almost 1000 friends on Facebook!Even if I want to call, I would think "hmm what will he/she think if I call them at this hour or now?" or what is worse is that I am extremely sensitive and if that friend does something to offend me with or without her/his knowledge I will feel so sad that I will stop my interaction with them or stay a bit far.
I will feel bad and wonder what went wrong and then feel upset and scold myself for not being close.But that is not in my nature.I wonder if there are people like that in the world.
I want my friends to respond to what i say and think and not just be there in happy times.Thank God we can choose friends.However,how does on choose the right ones? if I have to break it down in my head this is how I would think
"Hmm X has not called me for the ast 6 months and even if I did X did not pick up the phone".
"Does X do the same think to others?"."How can that be possible? Why is X ot telling me anything?".
"Should I call and blast X? but,wait what will x think.Is it OK for me to do so?" and then I brood and brood oer and then think X has moved on with new people.
yes,I am freaking mad and extremely insane at this age...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Mind Matters
I fell flat on my back yesterday and it hurt.Thank fully I was on the phone with S and she called V.He rushed home from work and I was better than before.Now why is it important to tell myself that I fell.Well I am 3 months into my pregnancy and falling is not such a good thing to do.
Surprisingly I took it very calm,i did not panic or cry.Casue some instinct told me that my little one is alright.
Some voice told me "deethi,she is ok."
My folks and V's folks were freaking out.Which is quite natural,however by the end of yesterday we all went to bed peacefully.
I could not remember that vioice,nor can tell you wether i heard it like a normal human voice.All I know is that i did hear someone say those words.
This brings me to sixth sense or instincts that have been around with me for ages.I know if and when something is going wrong or right.I know that this is is not good and I know that this will be ok.Deep down there is someone telling me what to do and what not to do.That someone is my subconcious mind.
I heard once that,you have to train your subconscious and it will stay with you in times of need. I am not sure if everyone does this.However every human being has this energy and one just has to focus to get it right.Try and teach this to kids,if they are young.They will be trained well and it will help in their course of life.
My little one is already there,I think it is she who told me that "amma,all will be OK." :)
Surprisingly I took it very calm,i did not panic or cry.Casue some instinct told me that my little one is alright.
Some voice told me "deethi,she is ok."
My folks and V's folks were freaking out.Which is quite natural,however by the end of yesterday we all went to bed peacefully.
I could not remember that vioice,nor can tell you wether i heard it like a normal human voice.All I know is that i did hear someone say those words.
This brings me to sixth sense or instincts that have been around with me for ages.I know if and when something is going wrong or right.I know that this is is not good and I know that this will be ok.Deep down there is someone telling me what to do and what not to do.That someone is my subconcious mind.
I heard once that,you have to train your subconscious and it will stay with you in times of need. I am not sure if everyone does this.However every human being has this energy and one just has to focus to get it right.Try and teach this to kids,if they are young.They will be trained well and it will help in their course of life.
My little one is already there,I think it is she who told me that "amma,all will be OK." :)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
5 years and 10 months old!
It is a pleasent day for work,stroll,drive and much more.For me it is pleasant day to write my mind away.For a long time now,I have been thinking for a while to write about things that will help others and me.
I wrote about money saving,dealing with ex's and about woman safety.So today is a day I talk about
Understanding your 6 year old child
I a 5 year old who is going to be 6 years in another 2 months and there are so many changes that I have noticed in him.Firstly he is growing fast and his mind is not able to cope with things that he is getting to know.Let me give you an example.
1.Recently he asked my mother about her mother.He wanted to know why great grandmother she still alive? valid question.We have always told him and also he read books that say old people die.So his mind was wandering in that frame.My mother and I did not freak out,we had a good laugh and then went on to explain to him."Aku,It is true that every living thing has to perish one day.However,there is no specified time and place for it".So,instead of waiting for her to die,now when she does he will know that her time has come and everyone has to deal with it.
2.Dad was home one day and Aku was tired of seeing the same grandfather.So,he asked my mother to put on her shoes.He wanted to go to the market and exchange my father for a new one!Boy o boy,my mother could have never been happy :P.My dad though was disappointed and wanted to know why his dear grandson was all set to exchange him.Aku's logic was correct,if dad gets a soap from the market and does not like it or it is damage,he goes to the shop and gets a refund or a new one.Aku accompanies dad in most of these trips.that is where he got the idea of "grandad exchange" from!So,this is what I told him. "aku,you can exchange anything you want in life.However sometimes things that are precious like your grandad cannot be exchanged.So,if you have something that you do not like in your grandad,tell him and I am sure he wil change it for you and he can then stay with you and grandma".He thought for a while and then decided he will let my dad live in the house for a while and help him change his bad habits.
*one bad habit - never brings more than 10 chocolates and aku wants more then 100!
3."grandma,when you grow old,who will take care of you"?.mom told him that "my daughter and son-in-law will".aku had a plan,he told mom that when she and dad get old.he will drop them in the creche,just the way we did when aku was young.he will provide them with a lunch box and diaper and toys and will pick them up when he gets back from office.Well we could not argue with that.Kids learn from what they see and this is what he is planning for me and vinod too!
These are the best years of his life and I am glad to be a part of it.It is surprising that more than him,I am the one who is learning new things about life.I am also able to see life through the eyes of a 5 year old and trust me it is beautiful!
I wrote about money saving,dealing with ex's and about woman safety.So today is a day I talk about
Understanding your 6 year old child
I a 5 year old who is going to be 6 years in another 2 months and there are so many changes that I have noticed in him.Firstly he is growing fast and his mind is not able to cope with things that he is getting to know.Let me give you an example.
1.Recently he asked my mother about her mother.He wanted to know why great grandmother she still alive? valid question.We have always told him and also he read books that say old people die.So his mind was wandering in that frame.My mother and I did not freak out,we had a good laugh and then went on to explain to him."Aku,It is true that every living thing has to perish one day.However,there is no specified time and place for it".So,instead of waiting for her to die,now when she does he will know that her time has come and everyone has to deal with it.
2.Dad was home one day and Aku was tired of seeing the same grandfather.So,he asked my mother to put on her shoes.He wanted to go to the market and exchange my father for a new one!Boy o boy,my mother could have never been happy :P.My dad though was disappointed and wanted to know why his dear grandson was all set to exchange him.Aku's logic was correct,if dad gets a soap from the market and does not like it or it is damage,he goes to the shop and gets a refund or a new one.Aku accompanies dad in most of these trips.that is where he got the idea of "grandad exchange" from!So,this is what I told him. "aku,you can exchange anything you want in life.However sometimes things that are precious like your grandad cannot be exchanged.So,if you have something that you do not like in your grandad,tell him and I am sure he wil change it for you and he can then stay with you and grandma".He thought for a while and then decided he will let my dad live in the house for a while and help him change his bad habits.
*one bad habit - never brings more than 10 chocolates and aku wants more then 100!
3."grandma,when you grow old,who will take care of you"?.mom told him that "my daughter and son-in-law will".aku had a plan,he told mom that when she and dad get old.he will drop them in the creche,just the way we did when aku was young.he will provide them with a lunch box and diaper and toys and will pick them up when he gets back from office.Well we could not argue with that.Kids learn from what they see and this is what he is planning for me and vinod too!
These are the best years of his life and I am glad to be a part of it.It is surprising that more than him,I am the one who is learning new things about life.I am also able to see life through the eyes of a 5 year old and trust me it is beautiful!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
It does not heal!
Sethu Vijay Tanikella - Sept 15th 1977 - Oct 15th 2004
He would have turned 32 today,I would have been maybe in Bangalore and would have been anxiously waiting to call and wish hi.Say happy birthday Vijay and love you.I still do,the only difference is that i cannot hear his voice.But,I am sure i can feel his presence.
It has been 5 years since he gave up on his brat sister and took a journey upwards to heaven.I thought the pain would heal with time.But,it does not seem to go away.I now know that the next time i meet someone who lost their loved once never to say "time will heal".
Remember Vijay the day Tinku and you got caught jumping the wall and that too caught by dogs and bites on that butt :).Remember the days when we used to go by rickshaw.you used to get down,make me sit in the rickshaw then pull it up from the end."It felt like see-saw" i said.I still remember the day you got pissed off cause you got to know that I had a crush on that air force office.Oh you made such a hue and dry about it.You refused to let me talk to him or let him come home.That is the day i felt happy,happy cause I knew my brother would always make sure that I get the best and make me learn what is good and what is bad.I just cannot fathom why you left me so early.
We had no time to say goodbye,we had no time to talk about future,we had no time to sit and drink beer and you taking me out on an all paid shopping trip.The day after you left us,i opened your cupboard to find that rakhi i tied,the one which smelt of sandalwood :).I looked through anything and everything that still smelt of you.I yelled when amma gave your trousers and shirts to pavan.I yelled at my self for not being an attentive sister,I yelled at myself for not being able to reach you when you needed me the most.I yelled at myself to discover that you had a life of your own and I did not even bother to care and ask you how it is going on the personal front..
I want you back,I want you back with that stupid towel around you and walking around the whole house in it.I want you so that we could fight and kick each other.I want you to say "deepthi,I am here".I want you to scream at me and yell at me when I do things wrong.I want you to just call and say "just checking".I am selfish and i want you just for the selfish purpose.
Come back love,come back in dreams today,come back as breeze and hug me tight,come back as the harsh sun,come back as the gentle rain,come back as my son,just come back :(
He would have turned 32 today,I would have been maybe in Bangalore and would have been anxiously waiting to call and wish hi.Say happy birthday Vijay and love you.I still do,the only difference is that i cannot hear his voice.But,I am sure i can feel his presence.
It has been 5 years since he gave up on his brat sister and took a journey upwards to heaven.I thought the pain would heal with time.But,it does not seem to go away.I now know that the next time i meet someone who lost their loved once never to say "time will heal".
Remember Vijay the day Tinku and you got caught jumping the wall and that too caught by dogs and bites on that butt :).Remember the days when we used to go by rickshaw.you used to get down,make me sit in the rickshaw then pull it up from the end."It felt like see-saw" i said.I still remember the day you got pissed off cause you got to know that I had a crush on that air force office.Oh you made such a hue and dry about it.You refused to let me talk to him or let him come home.That is the day i felt happy,happy cause I knew my brother would always make sure that I get the best and make me learn what is good and what is bad.I just cannot fathom why you left me so early.
We had no time to say goodbye,we had no time to talk about future,we had no time to sit and drink beer and you taking me out on an all paid shopping trip.The day after you left us,i opened your cupboard to find that rakhi i tied,the one which smelt of sandalwood :).I looked through anything and everything that still smelt of you.I yelled when amma gave your trousers and shirts to pavan.I yelled at my self for not being an attentive sister,I yelled at myself for not being able to reach you when you needed me the most.I yelled at myself to discover that you had a life of your own and I did not even bother to care and ask you how it is going on the personal front..
I want you back,I want you back with that stupid towel around you and walking around the whole house in it.I want you so that we could fight and kick each other.I want you to say "deepthi,I am here".I want you to scream at me and yell at me when I do things wrong.I want you to just call and say "just checking".I am selfish and i want you just for the selfish purpose.
Come back love,come back in dreams today,come back as breeze and hug me tight,come back as the harsh sun,come back as the gentle rain,come back as my son,just come back :(
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
ODE to ONE
Yesterday was one of the toughest days for my mind.It went through a lot in the span of 3 and a half hours.It thought about women who are survivors,women who are fighters,women who die and women who live.It came to a conclusion,I am not sure if it did as yet.However It did say it did.
I was talking to a few women about BREAST CANCER,I was listening to them and the only thought I had was "do i understand"?.I know people who are suffering from it.They have been great influence on me.However, do I really understand what they are going through? then i heard the script written by Viju and that moved me somewhere.It was so beautifully written that anyone can understand on how to support them.That is when i realised that you need not be in their shoes to get to know the effects of CANCER.All you got to do is as Viju said "be on their side".I wanted to write something for all,for every women who fights the battle.Here it is....
ODE to ONE
I was a child,the perfect one.
my hands were pretty and my feet perfect.
I was a girl,the angelic one.
my smile was innocent and my face was delightful.
I was a woman,the charming one.
my body was voluptuous and my bosom was a gifted.
It was a day when i met my fate,
she walked in and whispered with arrogance on her face.
I shuddered,I feared,I died within,
I could not give her what is mine,what is rightfully mine.
She did not wait for answers,she already had the knife,
She cut it not gently,but with passion of a deadly beast.
I cried,I hurt myself,I ventured alone,
I walked the streets of pain and looked for answers in vain.
I saw her sitting on my doorstep when I returned,
I asked her kindly to come inside.
She sat there for a while and looked at me in Silence,
I recognised her as the girl,the one I was.
I asked her why deary you so sad,
she said " i never promised you,you would be imperfect"
Now all you do is cry and say you are imperfect.
Your body is a gift from me to you,treat it like one and love it forever.
No one wrote that one is not good,
the numbers we say out starts from ONE!
ONE is the best and ONE is a boom,
One begins the world and One ends the world.
One rules the heavens and One rules the earth,
One is a gift to cherish till eternity.
I am a woman,the charming one,
My body is voluptuous and my bosom is ONE!
I was talking to a few women about BREAST CANCER,I was listening to them and the only thought I had was "do i understand"?.I know people who are suffering from it.They have been great influence on me.However, do I really understand what they are going through? then i heard the script written by Viju and that moved me somewhere.It was so beautifully written that anyone can understand on how to support them.That is when i realised that you need not be in their shoes to get to know the effects of CANCER.All you got to do is as Viju said "be on their side".I wanted to write something for all,for every women who fights the battle.Here it is....
ODE to ONE
I was a child,the perfect one.
my hands were pretty and my feet perfect.
I was a girl,the angelic one.
my smile was innocent and my face was delightful.
I was a woman,the charming one.
my body was voluptuous and my bosom was a gifted.
It was a day when i met my fate,
she walked in and whispered with arrogance on her face.
I shuddered,I feared,I died within,
I could not give her what is mine,what is rightfully mine.
She did not wait for answers,she already had the knife,
She cut it not gently,but with passion of a deadly beast.
I cried,I hurt myself,I ventured alone,
I walked the streets of pain and looked for answers in vain.
I saw her sitting on my doorstep when I returned,
I asked her kindly to come inside.
She sat there for a while and looked at me in Silence,
I recognised her as the girl,the one I was.
I asked her why deary you so sad,
she said " i never promised you,you would be imperfect"
Now all you do is cry and say you are imperfect.
Your body is a gift from me to you,treat it like one and love it forever.
No one wrote that one is not good,
the numbers we say out starts from ONE!
ONE is the best and ONE is a boom,
One begins the world and One ends the world.
One rules the heavens and One rules the earth,
One is a gift to cherish till eternity.
I am a woman,the charming one,
My body is voluptuous and my bosom is ONE!
Monday, September 14, 2009
When i think i can(nnot) !
I have never been a person who stayed at home for longer.I thought that I was made to travel the world and see things and do things.Even when i was 8 years old,I walked all the way to ratnadeep in my area and asked them if they needed an entertainer( the owner promptly called my parents and i was whisked back home.)
So today after 30 years and 6 months i am back to square one and staying at home.I tried my hand in various things,from being a call center agent,to a trainer to a business analyst to a writer to a theatre artist and an assistant director.I even tried my hand at hosting a talk show(the producer cut that show and put it in the cupboard)
Now I am a home maker,I sit and home and think what did my gran or my aunts do at home?.I mean my granny sat at home for about 84 years.She never once ventured out on her own and she is still at home.She is quite content with that lifestyle and here I am getting bored out of my mind.I want to do many things,create stories and whip up some great plays or movies.I want to start a Anadanam project and give free food to anyone everyday.I want to write a book in Telugu and also one in English.I want to make movies like Jandhyala and write like Tikkana or our very own Pothana or Gurujada.
The thing I realised is that I am a bit of a Procrastination freak.I keep thinking what should happen today can take a break and happen tomorrow.Is that now plain rubbish?
I know of a lady who worked for my mom,i used to tell her to get rid of her mundane job of working in houses as a maid and start something on her own.Boy she did! she now owns a small vegetable cart and also a shed near my home and tells me" amma thanks to you,i have this". I tell her it is her hard work.
Why am I blogging this to tell myself that "lazy ass get up and get things moving".You need not earn a lot now,however you will be satisfied and make yourself happy!
So today after 30 years and 6 months i am back to square one and staying at home.I tried my hand in various things,from being a call center agent,to a trainer to a business analyst to a writer to a theatre artist and an assistant director.I even tried my hand at hosting a talk show(the producer cut that show and put it in the cupboard)
Now I am a home maker,I sit and home and think what did my gran or my aunts do at home?.I mean my granny sat at home for about 84 years.She never once ventured out on her own and she is still at home.She is quite content with that lifestyle and here I am getting bored out of my mind.I want to do many things,create stories and whip up some great plays or movies.I want to start a Anadanam project and give free food to anyone everyday.I want to write a book in Telugu and also one in English.I want to make movies like Jandhyala and write like Tikkana or our very own Pothana or Gurujada.
The thing I realised is that I am a bit of a Procrastination freak.I keep thinking what should happen today can take a break and happen tomorrow.Is that now plain rubbish?
I know of a lady who worked for my mom,i used to tell her to get rid of her mundane job of working in houses as a maid and start something on her own.Boy she did! she now owns a small vegetable cart and also a shed near my home and tells me" amma thanks to you,i have this". I tell her it is her hard work.
Why am I blogging this to tell myself that "lazy ass get up and get things moving".You need not earn a lot now,however you will be satisfied and make yourself happy!
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