My city,My lane

Vyas is screaming for attention and calls out for me more than often.His little ugoo's are catching my heart everyday and i just cannot say how happy i feel when i see him give his toothless smile :)

Aku started reading to vyas and he read from his "magic Stories" book and keeps asking vyas all the questions i used to ask aku after i read a story and poor vyas,just looks at his brother and smiles :)

Feel good to and looking forward for those 10 days at amma's home in hyderabad.As a teenager my brother and i used to hate our area or those little lanes where we live.It is in the old part of secundrabad.We used to scream and yell at our parents,asking them to get to the hip side of the city.Most of the time or say always,we kept out friends away from home,thinking freak what will they think? and also spent most time in the happening areas at that time,like banjara,jubilee or sainikpuri.However i just realized that,those tiny lanes have so much activity in them.When i come out to my balcony in the post gates community in Bangalore,i miss noise around me.I mis kids screaming and playing gulli cricket.I miss neighbours sitting out and gossiping.I miss aunties bringing over savouries and snacks.i miss sitting in the front yard when it is hot and drinking juice or butter milk and chatting with relatives and friends.I miss not having t knock to go to any house there and miss the way we celebrate functions and festivals.

I am gad I belong to Seethphalmandi and am proud to be a citizen there :)

Paris, je t'aime (2006)

V and I were watching this movie called Paris,Je t'aime,the other day.One of my all time favorite movies till day. It give true meaning to story telling.

there is one story in it (segment "Loin du 16e").Oh it is heart touching,it is about a mother who leaves her kid in the crehce and goes to work in another house to take care of another kid (there the story is said) and that is what is is all about.it is acted,directed so beautifully.

It takes just one minute to tell a story through lens and this ones takes that cake.Actually all the stories are too good to be rated bad.I mean each story tells you something new about life and emotions around it.There is another one by Gurinder Chadda (segment "Quais de Seine"),oh that one is too good.It is all said in about 5 minutes and the old man at the end makes it all.

If you have time please go and grab a DVD and watch it!

So I just took the Nablopomo oath,It is a neat idea and it helps most of us.i mean can you imagine a writer with a writers block for months together.This kind of oath helps us write regularly and keep up with words and say F*&k you block.

Writing about writers, there was this teacher of mine(yeh they means teachers write,so story co-relates to writing).i used to go to tuitions and the worst was those tuitions were walkable distance.yes, from my bedroom to the front room.Amma was so sure that I would bunk and go gallavanting that she got him home and got others kids in the colony to get home for those dammed classes.Anyway main story lo,he was one rude b****rd,he used to torture most of the kids in weird ways.Like pouring candle wax on hands (for neat handwriting) or he would make them (not me.If he ever touched me or beat me,i would scream and bite him and i did that once.bit off his flesh near his arm! :P so proud i am.) sit on one leg for 10 min.Can you imagine a 10 year old sitting like that for 10 min.F****r,if he was reading this he would die with pain and wince at my abuses.

One day there was this kid called Dileep,who was my friends younger brother.He forgot to get his maths book.So this bastard (there i said it),asked him to strip and made him stand naked near the main gate.Our home was close to the road and everyone could see what was happening inside the compound.Poor D was so offended and he was crying like a baby.Yes this D was in his 7th standard.I can still see him saying "sir,sorry sir,please don;t do this to me".

That is when the miracle happened,my mother was just getting back from work and she saw this amazing spectacle in front,more like inside our home.I still remember her not walking but running faster than a deer,she pulled D from the bund and gave him a towel and then asked to change.She then got to know what happened.because the kids could not control anymore and we were talking like those 2 year olds who talk non stop when they realize they can!

You know what my MOTHER,AMMA,Thaye did????????

She politely asked my teacher to get out and before that she asked D to do what he wants to do with him.What did D do?? he looked and looked into the teachers eyes for about 1 minute and then said "idiot".Ha,idiot that was it.by the time anyone could realize what was happening,I,me,naan,nenu, the great was at his feet dropping hot candle wax.He was jumping up and down like a F*****n freak and he ran and ran.

Dont know where D and his sister are or the broken master.But,whenever i see candle or the hot wax drops on me,i think of this and laugh and not wince in pain!

M.S.Subbalakshmi and Durga Atha!

Every kid in South India or India period, gets up with a rendering voice of M.S in the background of their home. It could be from the radio in their own home or from the neighbors,however M.S.Subbulakshmi is heard everywhere.

I still play it early morning and it gives me a boost for the rest of the day.Today I dedicated my whole morning to her. Humble but a modest respect to the late Gana Saraswati. As I am typing this i have Nagumomu playing the background. Aha what a voice. It makes you forget the whole world for a while.It takes you go back to the world where you smell the fresh filter coffee,a cookers whistle in your amma's kitchen and the smell of agarbathi from the pooja room. thatha's stotras and ammamma's anklets as she enters the house from the backyard. her basket filled with flowers for the pooja.


Sree ramanavami starts with Pibare Ramarasam and to hear it sung by M.S is just like the paysam or the theertham. She sings Dolayam and you feel like swinging your whole body to the song. Just like the way Balaji in tirumala does. Her Endaro... takes you to a high, a musical high. her Vatapi...makes you run to the pooja room and fold your hands for a minute and ask Ganesha to bless you for life.

Finally her Cheri yashoda takes you back to the days when Atha used to sing it you while feeding you lunch in the balcony. Mudugari...I learnt in in my verandha from Giri Atha. there are so many memories attached to her voice and her songs. How can one ever forget her.She is immortal,as long as her voice is heard,she is.

This is to my Durga Atha who was dear to me and to many others. M.S was introduced to me by her on the tiny radio at seethaphalmandi when i was 6 years old.

P.S - wrote this a a note on F.B.However was in the same mood today :) so here it is on blog....

No questions asked!

There are so many people who influence your life and there are so many who just walk in to give you direction and then disappear.I think they are the ones called Guardian Angels,there are not invisible.They are a part of our every day Life and make earth a better place for most of us.My GA's are many.I have been so lucky in life(touch wood) that people came and still come from every direction to help me when in need.

1.I was stranded in a new city with no place to go and a job the next day and a lost wallet.The lady at the H.R office took me to her place,gave me shelter and food and dropped for the job the next day!

2.I needed some alone time and had no place to go.An angel from Delhi opened her house doors for me!

3.He drove 45 km and sat working in the lobby,while i was working on a project that was my life.he never asked me a question and i met him 2 days before!

4.They cared for my son and they did it with joy and never asked questions!

5.He ran around the city just for a glass of mango juice,no questions asked!

6.They drove me till the airport and said,"take the keys to out house,we going on a holiday".I needed a place for the one night.No questions asked

7.Family is with me all the time and supports me in death and life,no questions asked!

There are so many incidents and so many times that i say "Bless them" for "no questions asked".

Precious Smile

[caption id="attachment_371" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="my little man (10 months old)"][/caption]

Last night(should be called morning actually) aku got up at around 3 am.He does this quite often and is also famous for talking gibberish. However this time,he gave me a priceless smile,only one that your child can give and promptly went back to sleep :).

I will treasure that 6 year old smile for life.for later when he sleeps in his own room and wants to have privacy.I will remember that little boy who cuddled and slept at his deethi's side with the worlds most beautiful smile on that sleepy face.

you and only you

there is nothing that brings me closer to nirvana than,

to see you smile at me,to wait for you to hug me in my sleep.

to hear your voice or to feel your hands on my skin.

to know that you are thinking of me,to say i love you.

to live forever with you and me and to become us

My Grandmother,My Bamma

Sunday our family went to visit my Bamma (dad's mother).She is in her 90's and quite active.She lives on the ground floor of our uncles home and refuses to move in domestic help.Her philosophy is that she cannot mend old ways and let "people of that caste" come in and stay with her.I used to get angry at this when i was a teenager.However, as i come to 31 i realize that she has been brought up that way and it is not necessary she change her ways.She takes good care of the driver and his family,talks to the vegetable vendor,gives loads of tea to the domestic help.She is happy with that and they are happy with that.They live in harmony and do not cross lines.

While I was there,I wanted to borrow some books from my uncles vast collection.So I went up to look at those books.My cousin was helping me find one book called "Baristar Parvatisam"
(If anyone who knows how to read Telugu ever read this book,they would know why i got 3 people to search that book for me)in the end we could not locate that book.However, my eyes fell on a thin book in the corner and i grabbed it.This is what i was not searching for!

It was a book written by my Bamma.She wrote that book in 1998 and distributed it to all of us.I lost my copy and never bothered to get another one.I just took it for granted that I will get it one day and forgot about it.I wanted to have that book so bad and this was a sign,as all the prints of that book were out.My bamma is old and not in the most healthy state and if there is one legacy that we got from her , it is writing and arts.She writes in Telugu and she writes about what matters to her heart and mind.she does not bother to think twice when asking an honest question nor she is embarrassed when you ask her one.

I remember when I introduced her to my husband and boyfriend at that time "do you know how to cook?".she had asked him.He was not taken aback as I told him about Bamma.She said "my granddaughter is not used to cooking and someone should know how to cook in the family,so it better be you".

I heard it from my thatha (grandfather) that Sundays were Bamma days.She used to leave her 7 boys in his care and go to a book mela or a movie or to theater with her friends.This was 60 years ago in a telugu brahmin family and a woman doing this was considered to be an outcast.She could not care less and told her husband that if you work from office,i work at home and i too need a break.

That is my Bamma,there is so much to learn from her and so much fun to be around her.I hope and wish my second baby who is growing inside me now gets to meet her and she smiles her toothless smile at the baby :)

5 years and 10 months old!

It is a pleasent day for work,stroll,drive and much more.For me it is pleasant day to write my mind away.For a long time now,I have been thinking for a while to write about things that will help others and me.
I wrote about money saving,dealing with ex's and about woman safety.So today is a day I talk about

Understanding your 6 year old child



I a 5 year old who is going to be 6 years in another 2 months and there are so many changes that I have noticed in him.Firstly he is growing fast and his mind is not able to cope with things that he is getting to know.Let me give you an example.

1.Recently he asked my mother about her mother.He wanted to know why great grandmother she still alive? valid question.We have always told him and also he read books that say old people die.So his mind was wandering in that frame.My mother and I did not freak out,we had a good laugh and then went on to explain to him."Aku,It is true that every living thing has to perish one day.However,there is no specified time and place for it".So,instead of waiting for her to die,now when she does he will know that her time has come and everyone has to deal with it.

2.Dad was home one day and Aku was tired of seeing the same grandfather.So,he asked my mother to put on her shoes.He wanted to go to the market and exchange my father for a new one!Boy o boy,my mother could have never been happy :P.My dad though was disappointed and wanted to know why his dear grandson was all set to exchange him.Aku's logic was correct,if dad gets a soap from the market and does not like it or it is damage,he goes to the shop and gets a refund or a new one.Aku accompanies dad in most of these trips.that is where he got the idea of "grandad exchange" from!So,this is what I told him. "aku,you can exchange anything you want in life.However sometimes things that are precious like your grandad cannot be exchanged.So,if you have something that you do not like in your grandad,tell him and I am sure he wil change it for you and he can then stay with you and grandma".He thought for a while and then decided he will let my dad live in the house for a while and help him change his bad habits.
*one bad habit - never brings more than 10 chocolates and aku wants more then 100!

3."grandma,when you grow old,who will take care of you"?.mom told him that "my daughter and son-in-law will".aku had a plan,he told mom that when she and dad get old.he will drop them in the creche,just the way we did when aku was young.he will provide them with a lunch box and diaper and toys and will pick them up when he gets back from office.Well we could not argue with that.Kids learn from what they see and this is what he is planning for me and vinod too!

These are the best years of his life and I am glad to be a part of it.It is surprising that more than him,I am the one who is learning new things about life.I am also able to see life through the eyes of a 5 year old and trust me it is beautiful!

It does not heal!

Sethu Vijay Tanikella - Sept 15th 1977 - Oct 15th 2004

He would have turned 32 today,I would have been maybe in Bangalore and would have been anxiously waiting to call and wish hi.Say happy birthday Vijay and love you.I still do,the only difference is that i cannot hear his voice.But,I am sure i can feel his presence.

It has been 5 years since he gave up on his brat sister and took a journey upwards to heaven.I thought the pain would heal with time.But,it does not seem to go away.I now know that the next time i meet someone who lost their loved once never to say "time will heal".

Remember Vijay the day Tinku and you got caught jumping the wall and that too caught by dogs and bites on that butt :).Remember the days when we used to go by rickshaw.you used to get down,make me sit in the rickshaw then pull it up from the end."It felt like see-saw" i said.I still remember the day you got pissed off cause you got to know that I had a crush on that air force office.Oh you made such a hue and dry about it.You refused to let me talk to him or let him come home.That is the day i felt happy,happy cause I knew my brother would always make sure that I get the best and make me learn what is good and what is bad.I just cannot fathom why you left me so early.

We had no time to say goodbye,we had no time to talk about future,we had no time to sit and drink beer and you taking me out on an all paid shopping trip.The day after you left us,i opened your cupboard to find that rakhi i tied,the one which smelt of sandalwood :).I looked through anything and everything that still smelt of you.I yelled when amma gave your trousers and shirts to pavan.I yelled at my self for not being an attentive sister,I yelled at myself for not being able to reach you when you needed me the most.I yelled at myself to discover that you had a life of your own and I did not even bother to care and ask you how it is going on the personal front..

I want you back,I want you back with that stupid towel around you and walking around the whole house in it.I want you so that we could fight and kick each other.I want you to say "deepthi,I am here".I want you to scream at me and yell at me when I do things wrong.I want you to just call and say "just checking".I am selfish and i want you just for the selfish purpose.

Come back love,come back in dreams today,come back as breeze and hug me tight,come back as the harsh sun,come back as the gentle rain,come back as my son,just come back :(

trip to valley!

the place was filled with deodar trees.It was the first time that I went to a place like that in my whole 22 years. M suggested we keep walking up the path and asked us to hold on to or breath till we reach the end. We did exactly as he asked us to. When we reached the top of the cliff, we waited and our mouths went gasping.Not for air but to realize the hidden beauty around the hills.there was a valley dark and deep.the mountain around it looked like a man's face.

I remember that face still and looking forward to going there again this year!

The Wait...........

this month can be associated with lots of emotions.I staged my first play on the 20th of August 2008.It was an amazing journey.

I wanted to write a play to and I did. It shaped OK. However, my question was how do I take this forward? I had no one to go to. In fact when the play was written I was not sure that it would be staged and so on.

Then came in a friend,after a drink we were discussing about my writing and the days to go when my stories so light and so forth.She then asked me to mail her the play that wrote. I did promptly as asked. I got a call one day from this friend,she asked me to come over and meet her director.This place is called GOETHE-ZENTRUM HYDERABAD.So there I was in the office,waiting for the director.She is a lovely lady.my friend bless her muah.got this done for me.we spoke and the lady who is the director,heard me out and she pulled out her calender and was like when would you want to do this play.I was like , wait does this mean a yes or a no.She was like of course it means a yes.You must imagine I was thrilled to bits.

So the date was decided and then all I had to do was go back and find that perfect actor and the perfect child for the play.the mails kept going back and forth on the date and the venue.Me and his friend went to an awesome school, I would have loved to have the play there. However, it was way to far.My fear was , who would come all this way to see a play by me?. which was and is true.Then there was a another place called the Vidyasagar Arts Center.This place too seemed like heaven.but the rains were the question.So , that was pushed aside.So my dear Friend was busy looking for a place for the play.

My actors - I wanted another dear friend to play the role of the old woman in my play. Dear K was all excited and ready.However her working hours were so busy that she was dead beat.So I then approached another Friend S,she was reluctant at the beginning.then after cajoling and coaxing she agreed. ( I could not have asked for a better actor). I needed a younger actor and voila her son Sharan was the best and the naughtiest boy for the play. All fell in place. My challenge was to bring out the emotions in my actors as they are first timers and have nothing to do with acting.they did not choose this as profession. One is a housewife and another is a school going chirpy kid.They did not take much time.It was as if i wrote the roles for them. Music which is an essential part of our play was provided by another friend Prashanth.He was right on Track and gave me sounds that blend with the play.Voila the play was going. It had it's ups and downs. But who cares now,the timing was just right!

I was expecting an audience of 25 to 50, but when someone walked out to check.The place was filled with 250 odd people. My heart could have been running faster.My head was numb and blank. It took 2 hugs from my dear ones for me to get going and the mad look from my son...The show went on to be a good.yes i call it good, I could have done better.The Q&A session went on for more than the play.It was so moving to see people react to something I wrote so personal.I wish my writing never stops and my motivation never dies.

My parents face flashed in front of me after the play.They had tears of joy flowing freely. I guess it was ok for It was the first time I saw them so happy after Vijay's phase.I was sitting with a dear friend whose face told me a number of things.I was happy to be there, just there at the end with people i care and who love me more than I ask for....

It takes a lot of people to bring a show to the stage. I thank everyone who was involved in this process......without you I would not have not been able to move and The wait would have never got over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before and Beyond..........

she can still hear the Drupad,
the laughter and the sounds that the night left behind.

she can still hear the ghunghroo,
the lights of the fort and the soft kiss.

her eyes tell her that he is looking at her,
the thought of that is like a thousand butterflies flying through the navel

she can still see the clouds,
with him walking by.

she can can still feel his warmth,
the tender lovemaking.

she can still remember the last line spoken,
the last of the heart beat,after she closed the door.

she waits for those footsteps to be heard again,
the ones that bring her hope from the past to a future that is unknown.

reunion

the woman in middle is yashoda amma,

the woman who took care of pills and mua and my son....

i owe a lot to her............

i know that she will be there in our hearts for ever and ever....

to you yashoda mai...

Bond the name Ruskin Bond

the post is not about the man in the title.every time i read bond they end up giving me chills. they remind me of the chilly nights I spent in Mussoorie.

I met a guy once in Hyderabad for he had come along with Delhiwallahs to attend a SPIMACAY convention. he was lean thin and a total freak. i met another the same day he had come all the way from Dubai.he gave him attitude at the registration counter. i was like 14,15 or 16 teen yrs and in charge of the registration counter then. we had our differences on the first day...

SPICMACAY as you all know or do not is an organisation started by Dr. Kiran Seth to promote indian music,dance,art and culture all acorss the globe...

Coming back to that year i think it was 1993 or 94, we had to sit in this meeting on day one, that is where all the seniors meet and discuss about who is going to be in charge of what. So, without knowing all three of us were trying to avoid any kind of charge, i wanted to have fun and it was same with them. So, when they asked who would be in charge of the Footwear counter, no one raised hands and I did and I could see 2 more hands in the air and that had to be M and R.

We smiled and we were also responsible to wake up junta at 5 in the morning for yoga. ha ha sure we did????

we made the most out of collecting footwear, keeping it safe and returning it to the owner at the end of each concert. mind you it sure is a tough business. i mean you need to remember who they belonged to and what if the guest looses his number tag and all. we did every thing any young entrepreneur would do to keep those shoes rolling in and out. I still remember the nights we spent at that little hut.( you have to know now that when u attend a concert at SPCIMACAY, you would have to leave your footwear outside so that is why we were posted, to take care of them)

slowly the footwear counter turned out to be the most happening joint in the convention. we loved having people over and many of them wanted to be a part of this elite group. we had no choice but to say a blunt NO!

then we departed and met after many years in 2000 in days when we were no sure on where we were going and drove through the hills of Mussoorie. I think we left our young selves there and i wish to go back and reunite with these people who in a way mean the world to me....

Regret

Not even a day only a few hours have passed and I am in regret.

I have been proud and may be too obnoxious in a way. I was proud that I belonged to those few who never felt bad about the life they lead.In a way those tiny emotional accidents did make me what I am today.

However, I do today, I regret for I have not learned, for I commited the same crime. I have fallen for something that sure could have waited.

I feel stupid plain stupid.Is there a way to rewind this episode and erase it from memory?????????

festive mood anyone????

a friend and I were discussin bout the much awaited puja season at home. we were sure that it started yesterday and were exited bout the family gathering and the whole puja itself...

now that is when this thought struck me and i was scared for a minute there...now what is that thought u may ask??? who will tell me when is the puja in future and who will carry on the traditions...

see my parents come from huge joint families and grew up with festivities everyday.I come from a nuclear family and follow what my gran and mom and few aunts say. If they say today is lakshmi puja then i am like" ok what do i do?" and so on...

now what after,for instance Nana(dad) is the one who lights the diya in front of God,infact parents were out this weekend and i did not even bother to keep up the tradition.I mean I have no clue who will tell my son about all these festivals we celebrate. i hardly see my friends or i for that matter going gaga over them like we used to as kids..

here i am not saying bathe in religion.All i am saying is these festivals have so much wrapped up around them. Like the Ganapati puja, where the whole family celebrates ganesha.we used to run to place our maths books in front of the lord and pray hard that we score in that exam.IF u look back it was fun.then the scrumptious meals that awaited for us..haa i miss them a lot.

diwali,dassera,varalakshmi puja,holi,sankranti and many more are passing by and i am not sure if my son would learn the same that i was taught by my gran and mom or dad or atha or pinni.

I just hope someone is out there keeping it alive...........

Girlfriends....

we giggle sit and share our life.We share what we call
"the circle of love"

you can call her at 2 am and cry bout your broken shoe,you can drop in at day noon or night,tell her that u just had a fight.

she will sit with you till your pour your heart out,she will lend her heart as a shelter and as a warm cocoon.

she will kick you ass for no one will dare,soon after she will look at you and say you are rare.

she will make you coffee,mix your drinks.she will shop till you drop and say u looking cute in your short crop.

she will stand by your side in each walk of life.she will tell you what is wrong and what is right.

she can make you scream,laugh and cry all at the same time...

she was with you in your childhood park,in your teen hangouts,in your office basement,in your growing years,in a city far from home,in times when you never thought she would be the one.

I am blessed to have them in my 28 years of life..

Vinni,Smitz,Pills,Jens,Anu,Neels,Dimps,Haritha,Unger,Pia,Manisha,Chippi,Dee thnx for being there.....


thanks for being there my girlfriends

nerdy and his tomorrow...

Aku was trying on his granpa's glasses...he he nerdy boy...

I am a mother and it is natural for me to fear for his future.however, i really do not think too much bout it.Is it wrong? well, i really don't think it is..

it is his future and he should ideally be the one to decide.

however i will hold his hand now and show him the path.

like a gulmohar sapling,i will nurture him.

tomorrow he will be his master.i want my son to be carefree,emotional,creative,human and more than that a good person from within.

i do not want him to make any woman cry.i want him to feel for others.i want him to be a whacko like me.

all the above and more are what i want...what will he want.. only time will tell and i shall gracefully accept it....

if he falls i might lend him a hand or might let him get up on his own...all it takes is a bond to prosper from today to tomorrow and that thought is too young.just like my son.

when i look at him i smile,i scream at him and melt at his innocent face...i cannot think of him as a grown up with issues.

for now i am content with his today....i am happy,happy and proud to be the mother of akshat the certified brat...

brother...

September 1976 - October 2004

these years hold great inportance in my life.these were the years,counting 1979 the year i was born,shared with a mad man called sethu.he was my rock of gibraltar.i was carefree and not bothered bout any thing.i was flying high with my wings spread open.i knew he was there to take care of amma and nana and me.i knew i had t just dail his number,tell him my problem,share a joke or fight like crazee.i knew he was there for me,no matter how stupid the matter was.i knew he'd relate to the rc colony,to the fights at school,to the late nights and to the absurd teen years.i knew he was there to lend his ear,to hold my hand and to be there.i knew i could sit with him for hours together and not say a word.i knew i could be noone but me with him.

then all of a sudden he just left us.he himself did not know that his journey ended here in the human world.he did not know cuase he was all set to shop for shoes that day.he was all set to go to his fav city.he was all set to move into his new home.he was all set to conquer his dreams for tomorrow.that "tomorrow" which was not meant for him.he was there lying and smilin like a saint.his face was calm and blissfull.he looked like he was content and had no worries.i thought to myself"boy this is what u call attaining nirvana".

however i want him back today.i just want to sit back and relax.have nothing to worry bout.just call him or hug him and say.

"vijay my elder brother,my bhai,pls take care of me"